Against my better judgement and the advice of my accountant, my lawyer (and his lawyer), but most importantly––the cat-–I have decided to provide two free ebooks during the national holiday of Saint Valentine the Sybaritic. Both will be available starting February 13, 2017, and will be free until February 15. Just to confuse everyone, The Amish Spaceman is still free on iTunes. Download away!

The Girl Who Stole A Planet (2016) — Free 2/13 through 2/14

Amy Armstrong is having a perfectly normal life as a perfectly normal fourteen-year-old thief and proprietor of stolen goods in 1995 California, until a talking cat interrupts her latest break-in and transports her a thousand years into the future to a burglary operation that crosses space and time. She explores the inside of an asteroid belonging to a mysterious creature called The Lady, makes friends with the crew of intelligent cats and dogs, and meets a teenage boy from 1889. The search for a way home takes Amy through Victorian London, to an orbiting prison run by artificial lizards, and to the ultimate realization of who she really is.

A Girl Called Badger (2012) — Free 2/13 through 2/15

The virus left a gap-toothed, slobbering bite-mark on America: the land, the survivors, the cities full of ghost-sickness and abandoned for three centuries. A young priest living in an enclave of still-functioning machinery is forced to leave when the girl he loves is afflicted with an unknown and deadly illness.

A shard of humanity thrives in the remains of an old research facility high in the Colorado mountains. Like the brutish tribes outside the sheltered valley, the high priest marks the young villagers during a coming-of-age ceremony. But unlike those tribes, the scars beneath each villager’s arm hides forgotten technology from the past. The true nature of the drugged ceremonies and founding ancestors is fantastical myth to most “citizens,” who spend their days hunting outside the valley or farming corn and hemp.

One of the hunters, a tough and resourceful teenage girl nicknamed Badger, falls unconscious with uncontrollable seizures. Wilson, a bookish apprentice priest, searches the library and the old databases for a cause to the mysterious illness. Together he and Badger crawl through abandoned tunnels deep within the mountain. When the secrets of the past begin to unravel the young lovers must fight through hostile tribes and wild predators to the radiation-filled remains of Colorado Springs.

The Amish Spaceman (2013) — Always FREE on iTunes

A comical road trip across the U.S. with a cast of surreal characters including a failed motivational speaker, a Kamchatkan runaway bride, a sock-crazed mafia boss, and cross-dressing parents.

Unsatisfied with the daily grind of a Silicon Valley “business coach and life consultant,” Dean Cook weasels his way into a once-in-a-lifetime chance for fame and fortune: a speaking slot at the National Motivational Speaker’s Conference in West Virginia. Three days before the conference, Dean’s girlfriend breaks up with him and destroys his passport and identification cards. Dean’s flight plans are now scrapped, and he’s forced to steal a second hand ambulance. On the high-speed drive across the country he meets a Russian girl on the run from her fiancé, a brutal and eccentric collector of women’s hosiery. Dean and the girl escape from a series of catastrophes including a shotgun wedding in Reno, Sea MonkeysTM in the Great Salt Lake, and parachuting from a B-25 bomber over Kentucky.

Scrambling to catch up to Dean are his gender-bending parents, who see this as the last chance to throw their son a party that doesn’t end in complete disaster. Because, after all, it’s Dean’s birthday.