When Writers Attack
I’m not allowed to have any friends due to the court order, but I imagine that being friends with a writer must be frustrating, like someone in your house constantly […]
Category Archives: Drivel
Strange Characters You Can Have For Free
I have to de-clutter my life. If these characters give you joy, please take them and write a ten-book young adult series with them. Bobby Moist — Terror of Dripping […]
Top Ten Top Ten Lists
Top ten lists are either the work of Satan or the zenith of human endeavor. For those too young to remember Letterman or those poor souls hodlering Bitcoin inside a […]
Ladyfingers Banned in the U.K.
Ladyfingers, the popular and tasty biscuit, have been banned from sale and pulled from shelves in the United Kingdom, Belgium, and Vanuatu this week after the World Court ruled the […]
I Threw My Windows Through A Window
After spending five minutes in front of any computer, most people begin to see the value in the Amish lifestyle. As for myself, I simply resort to violence against all […]
Writers are Assholes
The cat walked up to me, out of the blue. “I want to be a writer,” he said. I slammed my special writing pen with the puffy pink feathers onto […]
Dank Meme, Marching Dragon
Yesterday, I heard a noise like a hundred cats being strangled in the back of a moving van that was driving down the highway constantly blowing the air horn. I […]
Fair-trade Underwear and Cruelty-free Gussets
This whole “fair-trade” and “cruelty-free” issue has been popping off since last week, when I came back from Neiman-Marcus with a gorgeous, puffy pink chiffon dress still on the hanger. I […]
Have a Berry Mary Valentine!
Despite the fact that Valentine’s Day is banned in every Muslim country, all 47,061 states in America, and the Vatican, this cherished holiday has always been celebrated in the little village where […]
The Lady Doth Protest
Mother says it’s unladylike to raise my voice, but when I tell her I’m not a lady, she locks me in the laundry room for three days with only a […]
Self-Published Author Refuses to Stand for National Anthem; World Still Turns
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, USA, EARTH, September 9, 2016––A self-acclaimed, self-published author disturbed several passing mallards and caused an elderly Corgi to become dispeptic today, by refusing to stand as the Star-Spangled […]
Gotta Catch-22 ‘Em All
I’ve never told anyone this, but I’m a victim of child abuse. When mother lets me walk to the drug store, I never fail to meet a handful of nine […]
Emergency Ice Cream Delivery
Ever since the King of America declared that eating ice cream is a fundamental human right, my frozen treat business has more headaches than a woodpecker without his helmet. You’d […]
All I Got From Paris Was Fleas
Mother went on a howling tirade last week after I found her stash of “liquid medicine” in the conservatory, made “Molotov cocktails” and threw them all at the “cat.” As […]
Hot Christmas Babes
Christmas is a traditional American holiday when families gather in the desert for a week, strip off our clothes, and take bags of drugs. By removing the trappings of civilization (and our […]
The Return of Lazer Moon Space Battle Part VII
Now that George Lucas is dead, the Illuminati have allowed a remake of one of the most-cherished movies of my childhood: Star Wars! I know you were yelling, “Beastmaster, Beastmaster!” […]
Social Justice for Alone Man
Like the Olympian god Zeus scouring beach resorts for female Britons who’ve had too much uzo (or any uzo), inspiration can take many forms. For me it’s staying up for […]
The Amish Spaceman 