SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, USA, EARTH, September 9, 2016––A self-acclaimed, self-published author disturbed several passing mallards and caused an elderly Corgi to become dispeptic today, by refusing to stand as the Star-Spangled Banner was played before a middle school jai alai match.

Thrown out on his ear by school staff, this “author” has lit a fire under otherwise-sensible Bay Area suburbs known for $20 lattes and as the headquarters of social media companies such as Facebook and Google. The streets of Mountain View were packed today as Chinese engineers set Toyota Priuses on fire and smashed the tables of the many outdoor cafes. Extra riot police from neighboring cities were on duty as packed mobs of South-Asian programmers burned the American flag and threw their smart phones at passing Smart Cars.

“The best way to show respect for the American flag and the men and women of the armed forces is to sit down when the Star-Spangled Banner is played,” said Chief White Cloud of the Mountain View Police Department. “Everyone knows that words speak louder than actions, and these upset young men have the best intentions. I saw another self-published author wipe his bottom on the American flag this morning, but it didn’t bother me, because when I asked him, he said he loved America. So, that’s fine.”

The literary firebrand and self-published author of seven books was nowhere to be seen at the chaotic scene, but a note slid under this journalist’s door at Quality Inn should explain everything.

“I didn’t not stand for the flag during the anthem because I don’t love America,” said the note from the author. “But nobody was paying attention to me! I had to find some way of bringing the issue of my not being a millionaire to the public eye, and instead of working hard on it, it was just easier to get attention this way. As it happens, I have another book in my space-vampire series coming out tomorrow, so if you could please let CNN and NBC know, I’d greatly appreciate it. Also, MSNBC, Fox, RT, Associated Press––”

I ripped up the note and walked to the hotel balcony, where I threw the balled-up pieces of paper down at a mob who were smashing the windows of a Tesla with a dozen selfie sticks. Sirens wailed, smoke had turned the sky dark, and the stench of burning rubber burned my throat.

“I’m not doing anything for this traitor,” I fumed. “Who does he think I am––his personal PR agent?”