Writers are Assholes
The cat walked up to me, out of the blue. “I want to be a writer,” he said. I slammed my special writing pen with the puffy pink feathers onto […]
Tag Archives: comedy
Dank Meme, Marching Dragon
Yesterday, I heard a noise like a hundred cats being strangled in the back of a moving van that was driving down the highway constantly blowing the air horn. I […]
The Lady Doth Protest
Mother says it’s unladylike to raise my voice, but when I tell her I’m not a lady, she locks me in the laundry room for three days with only a […]
Self-Published Author Refuses to Stand for National Anthem; World Still Turns
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, USA, EARTH, September 9, 2016––A self-acclaimed, self-published author disturbed several passing mallards and caused an elderly Corgi to become dispeptic today, by refusing to stand as the Star-Spangled […]
The Girl Who Stole A Planet Now Available!
Jeff Bezos agreed to publish my book, and he’s smarter and better-looking than the three point five people reading this post (per the Constitution, ducks are only half a people). […]
Gotta Catch-22 ‘Em All
I’ve never told anyone this, but I’m a victim of child abuse. When mother lets me walk to the drug store, I never fail to meet a handful of nine […]
Emergency Ice Cream Delivery
Ever since the King of America declared that eating ice cream is a fundamental human right, my frozen treat business has more headaches than a woodpecker without his helmet. You’d […]
All I Got From Paris Was Fleas
Mother went on a howling tirade last week after I found her stash of “liquid medicine” in the conservatory, made “Molotov cocktails” and threw them all at the “cat.” As […]
Sexy Amish Girls: The Reckoning
Father ran away from home at the tender age of thirty-two, after mother left the ziti on the stove too long. Not counting that stain on the couch, he left my […]
Best New Year with Amish Cheerleaders and Crap
Mother said I couldn’t walk downtown to watch the fireworks on New Year’s Eve because I might get jumped by Mexicans and sold to a Juarez cat house, but she […]
Hot Christmas Babes
Christmas is a traditional American holiday when families gather in the desert for a week, strip off our clothes, and take bags of drugs. By removing the trappings of civilization (and our […]
The Return of Lazer Moon Space Battle Part VII
Now that George Lucas is dead, the Illuminati have allowed a remake of one of the most-cherished movies of my childhood: Star Wars! I know you were yelling, “Beastmaster, Beastmaster!” […]
Social Justice for Alone Man
Like the Olympian god Zeus scouring beach resorts for female Britons who’ve had too much uzo (or any uzo), inspiration can take many forms. For me it’s staying up for […]
People for the Toolbag Way
Men are born knowing how to fix things or will have this knowledge beaten into them as a child, usually by a father covered in bearing grease and alfalfa seed. […]
Felicitous Non-Denominational Spring Day!
In an attempt to avoid offending atheists and Unitarians, the Government has renamed “Easter Sunday” to “Non-denominational Spring Day.” Since this recent action has offended more people than were originally […]
Government Makes Crime Illegal
Washington, D.C., March 28, 2015 –– In response to the appalling rise in gas station robberies by Chinese doctoral students and the nationwide pandemic of electrical engineers on drug-fueled rampages, the Government has […]
Sexy Amish Women Friday the Valenteenth Deluxe Overlord Edition
Valentine’s Day falls on a Saturday once every thirty years and creates the cursed, malevolent whirlwind of chaos and suffering that in my village we call “Friday the Valenteenth.” Local […]
