Washington, D.C., March 28, 2015 –– In response to the appalling rise in gas station robberies by Chinese doctoral students and the nationwide pandemic of electrical engineers on drug-fueled rampages, the Government has decided to ban crime. “It’s a simple fact and as common as any sense out there,” stated Wendy Mouthpiece, full-time spokesmodel for Government. “If we say it’s illegal, people will stop doing it. So stop. We predict a one-hundred percent drop in crime as soon as people watch this announcement on the evening news or see how many likes the new policy has on Facebook. Also, the President has signed a bill making it a felony for any man to stare at any part of my body other than my eyes, because it’s not my fault I like to dress like this and all my clothes are too small and–oh, goodness, did another button pop off my blouse and fly across the room? STOP STARING, you animals!!!”

In response to the Government’s response to the Government’s abusive childhood, mother locked me in my room all weekend where I was forced to respond with a series of victimless crimes.