I have to de-clutter my life. If these characters give you joy, please take them and write a ten-book young adult series with them.
- Bobby Moist — Terror of Dripping Lake Church Camp, Bobby Moist frustrates camp counselors with the sarcasm of a 15-year-old boy, passing out pamphlets from Jews For Jesus, with palms (and Psalms) like warm margarine.
- Danielle Whiplash — Three-time winner of La Tourette de France (basically driving a Renault and screaming at cyclists), Danielle Whiplash enjoys being a rich lady, collecting trumpets, and screaming at cyclists.
- Randolph Mantooth — Half-Chippewa, half paramedic, and all dentist, Randolph Mantooth survives by working medicine on the mean streets of Monterey, California, saving money for dental school and taking online classes between calls.
- Pippy Xu — As the only Chinese-American within a quarter-mile of the Pennybacker Bridge in Texas, the rage that Pippy Xu keeps bottled up will tend to explode when the maitre’d at County Line fails to pronounce her surname properly. She likes cats and bookmarks.
- Arnold Judas Rimmer — In the distant, space-faring future, Second Technician Arnold Rimmer fails to fix a drive plate properly, condemning himself and most of the crew of the mining ship to a quick death. Reborn as a hologram. Quite neurotic.
- Master Master — “Master” is neither a title nor a rank, it is short for our protagonist’s Christian name, which is “Jedimaster64 Master.” After leaving his parents stranded on the side of a Florida highway at the age of nine, Master became the world’s youngest host of a gardening television program, harnessing his powers for good, and flowers. He buys Microsoft.