I’m not allowed to have any friends due to the court order, but I imagine that being friends with a writer must be frustrating, like someone in your house constantly recording with a 35mm handheld. Writers write about what they see in the world, and if you’re in that world, welcome to the next chapter of your life as a literary representation. Hope and pray that your writer friend places you in a story as a gleaming, Greek hero with a laurel crown, and not a schmoe who smells like rosemary and dead fish and owns a commemorative TV tray painted with nude watercolors of Leonard Nimoy. Actually, that last one sounds interesting. Note to self…

Top Ten Physician-Approved Methods to Infuriate An Author

1. Tell her Publisher’s Weekly called, and you copied down the message, only to accidentally set it on fire.
2. Dial the author from a pay phone, pretending to be Publisher’s Weekly, and ask why she hasn’t returned your call.
3. Find her diaries hidden inside the jackets of a set of Tony Robbins books, read them, and use everything from her junior high days in your next book, verbatim.
4. Ask her if she has any Tony Robbins books you can make into a paper-mache head of Richard Basehart.
5. Toss her Adderall in the trash and fill the bottles with PEZ.
6. Ask your friend if, given that God is infinite, and that the Universe is also infinite… would you like a toasted teacake?
7. Talk loudly on the phone when she’s nearby about how audiobooks are the future, nobody reads books anymore.
8. Tell her you would read her books, only you don’t like them.
9. Change the name of your wifi network to “Stephenie Meyer Fan Club Experience”.
10. Become a successful author.