Father ran away from home at the tender age of thirty-two, after mother left the ziti on the stove too long. Not counting that stain on the couch, he left my brother and me with several pearls of wisdom:

“A boy who can’t fix a Chevy transmission might as well be a girl.”

“Women are good for only two things, and both of those are making a sandwich.”

“Never trust another man with your money or your kids with the car keys.”

“Only priests and fairies read books for fun.”

“If you don’t make that basket, I’m going to die of shame and haunt you for the rest of your life!”

In honor of Valentine’s Day, I offer all of the Brazilian men in the audience another selection of sexy Amish women.

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