Mother says it’s unladylike to raise my voice, but when I tell her I’m not a lady, she locks me in the laundry room for three days with only a bottle of Tide and half a Mars bar for sustenance.

I was raised on the Golden Rule (it’s okay to steal things that are gold, as long as nobody’s looking), and so I supported the protests last week in Mountain View, when all Starbucks in the city secretly replaced their coffee with Folger’s crystals. Trash fires from burning coffee cups darkened the skies, and the screens of smart phones had to be turned up to maximum in order to light the way. Marketing executives roamed the street in their Land Rovers, smashing anything and everything in sight, including other marketing executives. Sackcloth was worn, heads shorn, and ashes heaped upon the heads of Chief Technology Officers, until someone mentioned that Palo Alto still had real coffee, and the rioters fled north.

A protest is always a great time to stuff bargains down your blouse and knickers, but all I managed to grab was a VHS copy of Turner & Hootch and a “Vote No on Prop 63” sign, which might actually have been free. If I’m going to smash windows and run from the police, I expect better compensation.