Ladyfingers, the popular and tasty biscuit, have been banned from sale and pulled from shelves in the United Kingdom, Belgium, and Vanuatu this week after the World Court ruled the term “ladyfingers” to be hurtful to those who may or may not consider themselves “ladies” and those who may or may not have “fingers.” In the words of presiding judge The Honorable Jack Russell:
“The term ‘ladyfinger’ is offensive and hurtful because of the association of female body parts––sorry, ‘female body parts’ sounds a bit rude. Strike that, use ‘female work.’ Can you also strike this part where I’m telling you to strike out the other part? Thanks, John. All right … because of the association of female work in the kitchen. Additionally, women and those who identify as women may not want to be reminded of the fact that they are women or want to be a woman by seeing a package labeled ‘ladyfingers’ on the shelf, and may burst into tears in the middle of the biscuit aisle. It’s not my fault I was born a man. Who doesn’t want to put on heels and a nice evening dress and go out on the town every now and then? Or every day? Society is crazy, not me … Hey, John? Delete those last two sentences, would you? Thanks. How’s your wife and my kids? Ha ha haaaa … loser.
Alternative names for “ladyfingers” were suggested to the court, which included “bar biscuits,” “white stripes,” “vanilla slash,” “minus munch,” “stick-stick,” and “Pale Rider,” but all were rejected, the last mainly because it was already a movie. After much deliberation and consideration on the least offensive name for the biscuit, the judges of the World Court ordered “ladyfingers” be officially renamed to “dick cookies.”