In an attempt to avoid offending atheists and Unitarians, the Government has renamed “Easter Sunday” to “Non-denominational Spring Day.” Since this recent action has offended more people than were originally […]
Washington, D.C., March 28, 2015 –– In response to the appalling rise in gas station robberies by Chinese doctoral students and the nationwide pandemic of electrical engineers on drug-fueled rampages, the Government has […]
Valentine’s Day falls on a Saturday once every thirty years and creates the cursed, malevolent whirlwind of chaos and suffering that in my village we call “Friday the Valenteenth.” Local […]
The girl behind the counter had waves of long, copper-colored hair beneath her Dairy Queen cap, deep green eyes, and a smile that made me want to grab her pale hand […]
2014 was a year of amazement, horror, and disgust, and I’m only talking about what I found under my kitchen sink. Let us pray that the coming year holds no […]
Are you a writer? Do you have the same energy that you did when you caught the writing “bug?” When children crossed the street to avoid the windmill of your […]
Men are ignorant pig farmers with tiny brains say seven out of ten women, a gender that agrees on practically nothing but the belief that men are ignorant pig farmers […]
When it’s 3 AM in the long, dark night of your soul, most people think about life, where they went wrong, and why they drank fourteen cups of coffee. Me? I think […]
Dating is something everyone should try at least once, but it’s definitely a sport for the young, what with all the shaving of legs, wearing of silk stockings, and riding on […]
While perusing “Missed Connections” on Craigslist, I received an anonymous text tied to a brick and hurled through the side of my conservatory. The text explained how the elusive Robert Denby […]
I think Brazil is super-great even though I’ve never been there and the people are super-cool even though I’ve never met any. Well, there was that one time I showed […]
A flurry of one-star reviews have appeared after a week-long promotion where I gave away 2,800 copies of The Amish Spaceman. This negative attitude toward my writing was quite confusing, due […]
American kids are lazy and mean, and make fun of me when my back is turned. This happens more frequently than you would expect, because anytime I see a child, I […]
My dream of becoming a lingerie model slash astronaut will never come true, but my other dream of making fun of people is in full bloom. If you’re wondering why […]
I don’t believe in superstitions apart from spilling salt, knocking on wood, 666, black cats, opening umbrella indoors, picking up pennies, walking under ladders, breaking mirrors, crossing my fingers, snapping a […]
Nothing on this site has received more hits and garnered more attention than my Valentine post on “sexy Amish women.” I’m not even joking about this. Is it really that lonely in Pennsylvania […]
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The Amish Spaceman 