Men are ignorant pig farmers with tiny brains say seven out of ten women, a gender that agrees on practically nothing but the belief that men are ignorant pig farmers with tiny brains. Two of the other ten women I asked at the bus stop were actually very fashionably dressed men, and the last was a pig farmer, who expressed her dissatisfaction by offering me a knuckle sandwich to the face.

Given his gender-based cranial disfunction, it has always been impossible for a man to win an argument with any woman, be it his wife, girlfriend, mother, or Asian massage therapist. I am here to point out ways to change that situation. Grab your crayons and find a blank space of drywall.

1. Dress well

Debates on the floor of Parliament aren’t conducted in torn boxer shorts and a “Budweiser” t-shirt, so why should yours? Dress like a man who wins arguments, not one who raids the neighborhood trash on recycling day. If you think the phrase “dressed up” means digging through your closet to find your only pair of shoes that aren’t flip-flops, you should probably spend more time shopping and less time waiting outside the clinic on needle exchange day. Side note: Old English is neither respectable nor English. Also, forget that old saw about dressing like the man you want to be; dress like the man every woman wants you to be. Which leads me to the next point:

2. Be Michael Landon

Michael Landon never lost an argument with anyone, not even God. Who can say no to that face? It is the face of a man who knows what every woman wants before she has to ask for it twenty-seven times. It is the face of a man who never forgets to take out the trash, do the laundry, or fish the dead raccoons out of the pool. Michael Landon was the culmination of all good sense and sensibility that a man could ever have, and the only thing that keeps women going day to day is the hope that science will bring him back through the wonders of cloning.

3. Play Dumb

Women expect men to arrive at their door in rags like a bewildered Oliver Twist, and are relieved when something slightly less catastrophic arrives. It’s why the tuxedo was invented––men are like color-blind field oxen when it comes to picking out something to wear (see point one). Playing dumb is the best choice for a man in any situation, because apologies get you sympathy points. Being a genius only gets you points with yourself, and that’s okay if you want to be forever alone. If you meet a smart girl who’s also playing dumb, watch out! Enough hilarity for three seasons of moribund American comedies will ensue.

4. Change the subject

There may be no good answer to the question “Why did you throw my cat out the window?” Avoid conflict and win the argument by changing the subject to: “I don’t know. Why is the bed on fire?” or “How much Metamucil is too much? In a cake, I mean.” The original offense will be forgotten, giving you time to pack your things or think up a better answer.

4. Blame Yourself

I’m going to go against the scientific literature and state that men DO have feelings. Impotent anger at the loss of a sports team do not count. You’re a man––you probably did something stupid. Sure, you feel unwanted the twelfth time you scrub the bathroom or shovel out the chicken coop, but take solace in the fact that you don’t have to give birth or go shopping for shoes fifteen times a week for the rest of your life. The secret that Private Bradley Manning was trying to release to the world was that women are obviously superior, apart from babies and shoes and having to live with pig farmers.

5. Lose the argument

The only real way to win is for her to win, even if you were right all along. Don’t forget that mommy has the key to the cabinet with the happy pills!