You may not be mobbed for autographs while buying goat-milk ice cream at Whole Foods, but the self-published author still needs a plan of self-defense. Anger and brute strength will only get you so far against a gang of hipster literary agents and their sardonic social media comments.

Places that are dangerous for the self-published author (hereby known as Chad):

1. Any enclosed space with more than two writers. If Chad brings up “Kobo” or “Smashwords”, he may find himself in a full-contact “SmashFace” over pbooks and ebooks.

2. The local copy shop. Chad may be printing flyers for the fifth entry in his self-published series about a woman trapped in a box trapped in a man’s body who solves hard-boiled crimes, but this may enrage someone well into her fourth year of query letters.

3. The interstate. Chad may have repainted his 1999 Toyota Corolla teal-green and slapped his Amazon URL on the trunk but this will only make him a target.

4. The street. Pbook authors don’t have to wear Beefy T’s with the cover of their book and a synopsis, why do YOU, Chad? Why do you have to push my buttons like that? Don’t you run from me.

Strategies for Self-Defense, if you or a loved one is a Chad:

1. Wear too much perfume. Yes more and higher up. The eyes of Chad’s attacker will stream with tears. Their fists will flail through the air uselessly, allowing Chad to escape.

2. Wear bright colors. Pink is very good––it calms the savage beast. Chad will need to basically wear a pink jumpsuit.

3. Carry a Kindle PaperWhite. The front-lit screen can blind most land mammals. Not Chad. He’s near-sighted from all that filthy electronic writing.

3. Don’t drive. Have you seen the statistics, Chad?

4. Don’t go outside. You like to stay in your room anyway, don’t you Chad? Shut up. No dinner for you until book six is done.