I applaud the fact that more and more young people spend their days and nights on the long-form poetry of social media communication. As adults we should  strive for one-hundred-percent saturation of the teen market, and for every kindergartener to play Minecraft. Why? So kids won’t steal my car.

My car is very important to me for two reasons: it’s how I get to work (root beer floats don’t make themselves!) and it’s how I escape other people when I see a long line outside The Shake Shoppe or when they look at me with their eyes.

Children in my neighborhood are far too busy tweeting on the toilet about the newest release of Nursing Home Genocide or what silly outfit Cristyl Sue Bukowski was wearing to trod on my azaleas, toilet-paper the house, or light on fire a pungent bag of feces. Adults with more time on their hands and fewer cars and brain cells than I will decry the permeation of video games, streaming media, and Facebook into modern life, but I still don’t think it’s gone far enough. Perhaps when teenagers spend so much time online that they have hemorrhoids like a state worker and astronault-style muscle atrophy, then I will be satisfied. I find the streets so much safer when I can fend off teenage hoodlums with a fistful of leaves and a brittle twig, in contrast to the olden days when I suffered daily beatings and furious purse-snatchings. We don’t need more police to reduce the youth crime-wave in poverty-stricken areas––simply air-drop containers of Xboxes and flat-screen televisions. The harried adults will look up to the sky, see those lovely parachutes, and bless your face.