SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, USA, EARTH, September 9, 2016––A self-acclaimed, self-published author disturbed several passing mallards and caused an elderly Corgi to become dispeptic today, by refusing to stand as the Star-Spangled […]
The second book in the Amy Armstrong series, Empire of the Space Cats, is now available at Amazon in ebook format for $2.99. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01L4UGVMK Paperback: $11.99 https://www.createspace.com/6542797 In Empire of […]
Jeff Bezos agreed to publish my book, and he’s smarter and better-looking than the three point five people reading this post (per the Constitution, ducks are only half a people). […]
I’ve never told anyone this, but I’m a victim of child abuse. When mother lets me walk to the drug store, I never fail to meet a handful of nine […]
Ever since the King of America declared that eating ice cream is a fundamental human right, my frozen treat business has more headaches than a woodpecker without his helmet. You’d […]
Mother went on a howling tirade last week after I found her stash of “liquid medicine” in the conservatory, made “Molotov cocktails” and threw them all at the “cat.” As […]
Father ran away from home at the tender age of thirty-two, after mother left the ziti on the stove too long. Not counting that stain on the couch, he left my […]
Mother said I couldn’t walk downtown to watch the fireworks on New Year’s Eve because I might get jumped by Mexicans and sold to a Juarez cat house, but she […]
Christmas is a traditional American holiday when families gather in the desert for a week, strip off our clothes, and take bags of drugs. By removing the trappings of civilization (and our […]
Now that George Lucas is dead, the Illuminati have allowed a remake of one of the most-cherished movies of my childhood: Star Wars! I know you were yelling, “Beastmaster, Beastmaster!” […]
After a recent trip to Tokyo, I’m grabbing onto the self-affirmation bandwagon and officially changing my race to Japanese. I could eat sushi for every meal and I never wear shoes, […]
Like the Olympian god Zeus scouring beach resorts for female Britons who’ve had too much uzo (or any uzo), inspiration can take many forms. For me it’s staying up for […]
Men are born knowing how to fix things or will have this knowledge beaten into them as a child, usually by a father covered in bearing grease and alfalfa seed. […]
In an attempt to avoid offending atheists and Unitarians, the Government has renamed “Easter Sunday” to “Non-denominational Spring Day.” Since this recent action has offended more people than were originally […]
Washington, D.C., March 28, 2015 –– In response to the appalling rise in gas station robberies by Chinese doctoral students and the nationwide pandemic of electrical engineers on drug-fueled rampages, the Government has […]
Valentine’s Day falls on a Saturday once every thirty years and creates the cursed, malevolent whirlwind of chaos and suffering that in my village we call “Friday the Valenteenth.” Local […]
The girl behind the counter had waves of long, copper-colored hair beneath her Dairy Queen cap, deep green eyes, and a smile that made me want to grab her pale hand […]
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