The Girl Who Stole A Planet Now Available!
Jeff Bezos agreed to publish my book, and he’s smarter and better-looking than the three point five people reading this post (per the Constitution, ducks are only half a people). […]
Gotta Catch-22 ‘Em All
I’ve never told anyone this, but I’m a victim of child abuse. When mother lets me walk to the drug store, I never fail to meet a handful of nine […]
Emergency Ice Cream Delivery
Ever since the King of America declared that eating ice cream is a fundamental human right, my frozen treat business has more headaches than a woodpecker without his helmet. You’d […]
All I Got From Paris Was Fleas
Mother went on a howling tirade last week after I found her stash of “liquid medicine” in the conservatory, made “Molotov cocktails” and threw them all at the “cat.” As […]
Sexy Amish Girls: The Reckoning
Father ran away from home at the tender age of thirty-two, after mother left the ziti on the stove too long. Not counting that stain on the couch, he left my […]
Best New Year with Amish Cheerleaders and Crap
Mother said I couldn’t walk downtown to watch the fireworks on New Year’s Eve because I might get jumped by Mexicans and sold to a Juarez cat house, but she […]
Hot Christmas Babes
Christmas is a traditional American holiday when families gather in the desert for a week, strip off our clothes, and take bags of drugs. By removing the trappings of civilization (and our […]
The Return of Lazer Moon Space Battle Part VII
Now that George Lucas is dead, the Illuminati have allowed a remake of one of the most-cherished movies of my childhood: Star Wars! I know you were yelling, “Beastmaster, Beastmaster!” […]
I Think I’m Turning Nipponese
After a recent trip to Tokyo, I’m grabbing onto the self-affirmation bandwagon and officially changing my race to Japanese. I could eat sushi for every meal and I never wear shoes, […]
Social Justice for Alone Man
Like the Olympian god Zeus scouring beach resorts for female Britons who’ve had too much uzo (or any uzo), inspiration can take many forms. For me it’s staying up for […]
People for the Toolbag Way
Men are born knowing how to fix things or will have this knowledge beaten into them as a child, usually by a father covered in bearing grease and alfalfa seed. […]
Felicitous Non-Denominational Spring Day!
In an attempt to avoid offending atheists and Unitarians, the Government has renamed “Easter Sunday” to “Non-denominational Spring Day.” Since this recent action has offended more people than were originally […]
Government Makes Crime Illegal
Washington, D.C., March 28, 2015 –– In response to the appalling rise in gas station robberies by Chinese doctoral students and the nationwide pandemic of electrical engineers on drug-fueled rampages, the Government has […]
Sexy Amish Women Friday the Valenteenth Deluxe Overlord Edition
Valentine’s Day falls on a Saturday once every thirty years and creates the cursed, malevolent whirlwind of chaos and suffering that in my village we call “Friday the Valenteenth.” Local […]
I Googled “Love”
The girl behind the counter had waves of long, copper-colored hair beneath her Dairy Queen cap, deep green eyes, and a smile that made me want to grab her pale hand […]
Best Posts of the Year 100% Exclusive Limited Edition Diamond Executive Washroom Version
2014 was a year of amazement, horror, and disgust, and I’m only talking about what I found under my kitchen sink. Let us pray that the coming year holds no […]
You Beach
Maui is an island in the Pacific Ocean and extremely warm, a fact I discovered too late to change my vacation plans as the plane was already in the air. I knew from experience […]
