It is problem when:

1. you’re writing fan mail to yourself because the only people who bought your 1000-page Cuban/high fantasy mashup “Lord of the Mambo Kings” were your mom and the cat

2. the cat leaves a negative review

3. you take the whole bottle of pills that you kept from your bursitis ten years ago but nothing happens

4. the ambulance summoned by the cat shows up but side-swipes your pristine sky-blue 1965 Amphicar

5. you’re stupid enough to park that on the street

6. the paramedics pull you away from the car and slam you onto the gurney while saying things like “Never seen that before,” “Whoops,” and “Not my fault”

7. the doctor at the hospital examines you while saying things like “Never seen that before,” “Whoops,” and “Not my fault”

8. the hospital discharges you but your mom is in Cabo and the cat won’t pick up

9. you’re just being stupid now––he can’t drive a stick

10. you finally get home and a hundred neighborhood felines are ripping the place apart, high on Whiskers and catnip

11. you wish you were a dog person