My Fan-nie Valentine

jon valentine

Some of you who know me or work in small-claims court have raised concerns about the novel such as “You can’t be serious,” “People pay money for this?” and “If I was in a nursing home with only one book to read and this was that book, I would strangle myself with oxygen tubing.”

All those lovely comments aside, there are people (incarcerated) who have read (smeared Jello on) the book and have written reviews and fan-letters to me afterwards (in blood). Here are the highlights:

“Dear Steve: Your novel was perfect! I bought four copies and it blocks the draft under the door like nothing else. (P.S. Please make your second book smaller. The coffee table has a wobble.) — General E. G. Somerset (Mrs.)


“Dear Reader: If this is the type of book your are looking for, then you have found it. In the genre of this type of book, this type of book is exceptional. This type of book will appeal to the particular individual that likes this type of book. It will be a fun read, if by “fun”, you mean fun, and if by “read” you mean not actually reading, just listening to Weather Report and turning the pages. Fun! Good. (Was that enough? Love, Eugene)


“Dear Brain: It’s not often that I write a letter to someone, especially to myself, but the rest of us got together and decided you should stop this novel-writing nonsense. Heart doesn’t get the exercise he used to, Carpals, Metacarpals, and Phalanges think they have a syndrome from all the typing, and Bottom is squashed all day in a chair. The only one who doesn’t want you to stop is that pigpen Stomach and we never listen to his fetid gurglings. So please take up tennis or flyfishing and stop this silly nonsense of writing. — Yours truly, Spleen”


I’m writing this with tears in my eyes,My family and i came down here to London,England for a short vacation and we were mugged at gun point last night at the park of the hotel where we lodged all cash,credit cards and cell phone were stolen off us.I’ve been to the US embassy and the Police here but they’re not helping issues at all,My flight leaves in hew hrs from now and am having problems settling the hotel bills.The hotel manager won’t let me leave until i settle the hotel bills now…Well I really need your financial assistance..Please, Let me know if you can help us out? Am freaked out at the Moment.

Master Chad Ripplebottom”


I don’t usually respond to fan mail, but Chad sounded like he was in big trouble. I had the servants wire him two thousand dollars. What? A scam? The joke’s on that silly boy! They don’t use dollars in England.